Sunday, November 21, 2010

Be of Good Cheer

I've read this phrase thousands of times and my mom always repeats it to my brothers and me. Usually I am of good cheer! I got a lot to be happy about and grateful for. I have an amazing support system with an awesome mom and 2 brothers, fabulous friends around the country, and some great roommates. And hey, I can always fake it and smile and pretend like I've got the world on a string. But I think right now I'm just not in a good place. Ever been there? I have coping skills as my mom calls them: pictures of home and Paris and Italy, friends and flowers and my family plastered all over my bedroom wall and throughout the apartment to dream about and reminisce of, good music, blogs to read, books to stick my nose in, movies to watch, and dreams to have and hopes to cling to. But don't you ever get fed up with that? I'm tired of wishing and hoping and dreaming and ready to start doing. Sigh. I can't wait to get out of Tucson.

This week was by far one of the worst experiences I've had in quite some time. In fact, Friday I wanted to quit and that's the closest I have ever come to really, truthfully quitting. I'm not a quitter. I have this resilience and determination that someone fuels me but after this week and when I got home Friday, I was ready to just call it quits, crawl in bed and give up. I'm tired on working so hard and still feeling inadequate and stupid. I'm SOOOO tired of having no income. I've just stopped caring about things. I feel rather numb and mechanical. It's frustrating!!! I've hit the wall with my internship. I'm so burnt out and I'm really fed up with the same old frustrating, demeaning routine and with certain preceptors that are so discouraging and unprofessional. I mean cliques at work, really? I'm not impressed at all. Ganging up on the interns, not helpful. I have 4 weeks to go and I really have no clue how I will make it. Well, minute by minute but even that is pure drudgery. I don't mean to be such a downer. I'm sorry. This is not me. I'm not this way but geez it seems like since I've started I've turned into Gabe the Pessimist and it's quite horrible. One day I'll look back on this experience and find some gold nuggets but right now, I'm clinging to the last thread. Thank goodness my brother will be here this week and hopefully just being around him will be enough to keep me going until Christmas. He makes me laugh, a lot and I look forward to that. And also my roommates and I threw a masquerade party last night in honor of our roommate's birthday on Wednesday. It was so fun!!! Pictures to come.

These are from high school. We came home late one night from work (we worked at the beach) and were messing around with our mom's camera. So fun!


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Shannon Gish said...

4 weeks left means...what?...only 4more Sundays to go? That's all. You are doing AWE-some! And having so many more ta-da moments than you know!!! We see'em and hear about'em back here...where we totally got your back gurlfren!