If there is one thing I know about myself, it's that I hate change. But I also love it. But I hate it. So for the next few weeks I will hate Tucson, hate the heat, hate my internship, and be mad and sad and homesick and depressed and frustrated and jealous and scared and cry a lot. Also I found out our precious dog Scottie is going blind. This week freakin' sucked.
Ok?
Don't hate ok? It's just how I roll. I'll be fine in a month, well, after my birthday.
Here's my frustration. I have big dreams. BIG.
I want an old, old house in Massachusetts. I want a car that I can rely on and that doesn't have red duct tape on the side (which is actually kind of funny...well I think so, sometimes). I want to walk on the beach all the time holding hands with a man I am head over heels in love with. I want to have a big kitchen with a tangerine KitchenAid and make delicious, healthy, yummy food and dance around crazily with my kiddos. I want a big yard for the mini-me's to run around in and to have a bazillion flowers like my mom and a huge vegetable garden like Susan Branch. I want to be IN New England for the fall and go to Vermont and drive the Kangamangus highway and be there for the nor'eastah and be snowed in and sit sipping hot chocolate by my fireplace or woodstove or cuddled in a blanket watching a movie. But, I am now farther away from New England stuck in stupid Tucson and it's FREAKIN' HOT here and I hate it. I have zero friends. I don't know where anything is. I don't want to be a dietitian anymore, which is a lie because really I'm just scared and nervous for my internship, but I do know that I don't want to work in a hospital. Actually I just want to be a stay-at-home mom. And go to bakery school.
And yes, I would like some whine with my cheese. But I will be fine. I know there is a reason I am here and it'll be all good soon.
I think.
I hope.
It will.
4 comments:
gabe, you are so real! i feel all those same feelings except i don't admit them to myself or anyone. you are awesome and you will get through this! you are such an awesome woman, taking off, a new solo adventure, how cool is that?!?! you are brave, so modern. hahaha. :) i love you!!!! hang in there buddy!!!
ps how far is tucson from mesa?
I'm always of two minds when it comes to starting over. On the one hand I get an itch to move if I stay in one place for too long. On the other hand, I don't like trying to meet new people and make new friends. It's a lot of hard work. But every time I've taken that step in another direction, things tend to turn out just fine. Good luck in your internship and in finding your place in Tucson.
GABE!! IT'S OKAY!!! You've been trained for this. There is no reason to be nervous. Yes, you're in a new place, but you will DOM' the internship. I promise. And I'm your friend, only a text away. Complain to me anytime you are low. Love you! You should check out the Suns :) Or ASU... whatever is in Tucson.
You'll do great--I'm sure. It took me at least six months to feel happy about our move to NY when we first left home (CA). And it really helped when I started my job, and found a routine, and started meeting new people at work.
Good luck! Rooting for you!
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