Let's begin with Monday. Near death by birth control. I had a feeling from the get go that birth control and I would not get along. I was right. I knew it.
A few weeks ago I started having difficulty breathing. Running a mile was hard. Well, I have a lot on my plate right now and even had a panic attack a couple of weeks ago and chalked it up to anxiety and stress: wedding planning with its, what feels like, unending challenges, studying for a huge certification test that I have been waiting 2 years to take, job hunting, work, etc. But then things got worse. I started waking up with splitting headaches that lasted for an hour or two and then would go away. So I thought maybe I was dehydrated and I haven't slept well in who knows how long so I thought it was also sleep deprivation. Then about a week or two ago I started having blurry vision, which I blamed on fact that I look at a computer for most of the day typing up notes and then I had been reading and studying a lot so maybe I was straining my eyes and maybe my eyesight is starting to go because both of my parents have bad eyesight so I figured the inevitable had arrived. One day I remember having a weird sensation in my left hand and remember freaking out but my face didn't droop and I wasn't having chest pain so I carried on. Then I had my week break with no birth control and then I re-started it. Now, I'm a situational hypochondriac. Working in a hospital will do that to you. So, I decided to look at the side effects of my birth control and then I started to freak. I was having the severe, alert-your-doctor-immediately-if-you-have-these side effects. So after 24 hours of beginning my birth control again and after agonizing about it all day, I stopped, called my doctor's office and made an emergent appointment for Wednesday.
Well. Let me just tell you that realization of what could have happened hit like a ton of bricks when I watched the nurse practitioner's face morph to one of alarm when I was explaining the symptoms I was having. All the bad ones. I was headed on the fast track to a possible clot. Which means the possibility of a stroke or pulmonary embolism and other horrible things. So you might be able to imagine that at 26 years old, having no past medical history and being pretty healthy with no typical risk factors for the symptoms I was having, the thought of the mere possibility of having a stroke, particularly as I am planning to get married, was, in a word, terrifying. Not to mention the past few months, the mild depression and the severe lack of motivation, now all made sense. Stupid birth control. Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, birth control.
Not to mention that that same day one of my best friends, whom I had been talking to Tuesday had been admitted to the ICU Tuesday night and I found out Wednesday morning she was intubated (a machine breathing for her) and sedated. And I couldn't do anything about it. That has got to be one of the worst feelings ever.
So driving home for the doctor's office on Wednesday with a prescription for a new birth control to try--which I am not excited about, the realization of everything setting it, and after a really crummy conversation, I hit a breaking point. Wednesday was the worst day. I think I went to bed with my eyes nearly swollen shut from crying. I hate that feeling. And then you wake up still puffy too ya know? Bleh.
And then yesterday I started having severe leg pain and blurry vision again and stayed up until midnight trying to figure out if I had a clot in my leg (a DVT) and if I should go to the ER or call a triage doctor, but not wanting to because the next day (today) I had my huge certification test to take. So I decided that since I wasn't have swelling, tenderness, or a fever, I would try to sleep, praying I wouldn't wake up dead, in respiratory distress, or with a swollen limb. Thankfully, I didn't. I took my huge certification test and I am absolutely certain I failed. I won't find out for 6 weeks. But, I don't really care. I don't get penalized, I just don't get the credentials, which I am bummed about but this week has been one of the worst. And I can always try again in the spring.
And. I hate divorce. I hate it more than anything. I hate having a fractured family. I hate it. My brother and I have this conversation often and we both agree divorce sucks. It hurts. Its effects are felt long after the event, and I think even more so when you are older. I wish it on no one, not even my worst enemy (not that I have one...at least I don't think I do). So don't get divorced, ok? Just don't.
On a positive note to this very dreary post, my friend is doing well in the ICU, now breathing on her own, and hopefully I can visit her this weekend. And my wedding dress arrived today and I will get to try it on sometime next week! And I get the rest of my engagement pictures tomorrow! And I get to see Mark and his family in a couple of weeks!!! And I am totally vegging the rest of this terrible, horrible, no good, very bad week from Hades.
And my brother sent me this picture of Scotty and I can't stop looking at it. I can't wait to see, kiss, and snuggle this pup again!